


Nightmares X Of X Death

by lucasloverl



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Crying Killua Zoldyck, Fear, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Nightmares, Out of Body Experiences, Poor Killua, i love these two so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 12:22:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20358430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucasloverl/pseuds/lucasloverl
Summary: Still afraid of his assassin past, Killua has a nightmare. Perhaps Gon is the only one who can comfort him.





	Nightmares X Of X Death

Gon and Killua were relaxing in the forest when they hear gunshots. Gon hops into action and explains to Killua what’s going on, poachers. Its illegal to there but sometimes poacher arrive to hunt foxbears. Now Kon, the foxbear Gon befriended since he was young was captured and his cub was shot. Gon and Killua arrive just in time to save Kon but they were too late for the cub, at least that’s what Killua thought. Still though, Gon picks up the cub and rushes him home, determined to save it. Killua follows him as he tries to convince him that its too late.

Gon dresses the foxbear cub’s wounds but its still dying. Killua knows it; surely Gon knows it as well. This erupts into an argument between the two boys.

“Killua! What are you doing?” he demands of his friend.

“What does it look like? I’m putting it out of its misery. We can’t save it.”

“You don’t know that. I say that’s a chance to save it!”

“Are you blind? You know how serious its wounds are. I’m sorry Gon but this is all we can do for it.”

“I’m not going to let you!”

Gon is trying to keep Killua away from the cub while Killua tries to make his way over to it. It is now that Mito walks into the room.

“Stop being so stubborn about this!” Killua yells. “Don’t let it suffer anymore. Let me put it out of its misery.”

“You don’t get to decide that!” Gon yells back.

“Stop it you two!” Mito yells as she tries to separate the two boys.

“I’m trying to put it out of its misery and Gon won’t let me,” Killua tells her. He sharpens his nails for the deed which surprises Mito.

“Yea because we can save him!” Gon argues.

“We can’t!” Killua argues. “Its stupid to think we can save it!”

“Its not stupid to want to save a life,” Mito also argues.

“She’s right!” Gon agrees.

“Let go!” Killua pushes Gon and Mito off, slashing Mito’s arm in the process. He approaches the cub, ready to kill it.

“I’ve seen plenty of lives this close to death. Once you are this close to death, there is no hope. If there’s no hope, there’s no point in living.”

“Killua!”

Killua gets ready to strike when Mito slaps him. It surprises him enough to make him stop.

“That’s enough! He has a life and you have no right to take it away! Look,” she points to the cub. “He’s fighting to stay alive. That should be enough.” And then she asks, “Hasn’t anyone ever taught you the value of life?”

Shocked, Killua walks over to the far wall and sits down. He lowers his head in shame. “The only thing I was ever taught….was how to kill,” he says with hurt in his voice.

….

Killua turns over in his bed. He remembers that well. He was so sure there was nothing that could be done for that foxbear cub. He sighs; he told himself that it was for the best and that they needed to end its suffering but Gon was so sure they could save it. In the end they did save it by pouring their Nen into it, unlocking the cub’s nodes so it could save itself. This was something he did not even think of.

No.

’I wanted to kill it,’ he told himself.

“_All you think about is your next victim,” _Illumi’s voice echoes in his head.

Is Illum i right? He  wished he could save it  but he knew it was stupid to try.  At least that’s what he believed.

_Murderer._

He’s a murderer. He’s obsessed with killing other living things. That’s all it is. That’s what he keeps telling himself anyways.

‘Fuck!’ Killua turns over in his bed again. He sees Gon sleeping with a peaceful look on his face and smiles sadly. He gets out of bed and walks over to the sleeping boy. No matter what happens with Gon, no matter how much he has fun Gon, he’s just a murderer at the end of the day.

“_You aren’t qualified to have friends,” _Illumi’s voice booms in his head again.

“Maybe...I shouldn’t be here,” Killua says to himself. “Gon is too good of a person for me to ever be friends with.”

“_One day you will want to kill him.”_

‘Is Illumi right? Do I want to kill Gon? No that can’t be true...”

“_He’s helpless. Kill him.”_

‘What? No I refuse!’

“_Do it. You were denied your earlier kill. He owes you.”_

‘Fuck you Illumi! No way I’m doing that! I can’t kill Gon!’

“_Your bloodlust won’t let you resist.”_

Killua grabs his head in pain as he feels his instincts boil to the surface. ‘N-No...” He looks at Gon with dark bloodlust in his eyes. He’s ready for his next kill and his next victim is right in front of him.

‘_Do it Kil. Kill him now. And then kill his entire family and everyone on the island.”_

‘Stop it Illumi!’ Killua tries to say but finds himself unable to talk. His bloodlust is too strong. Before he realizes it, he sharpens his fingernails to create claws.

‘What’s happening?’ Killua asks himself. It feels like he’s in an out of body experience. He can’t control his actions and all he can do is watch his arm raises in front of the sleeping boy, ready to kill him.

‘No!’

H e looks at his arm desperately, trying in vain to stop it from striking his friend.

‘No! Please stop!’

The next thing he knows he brings his arm down and stabs Gon in the chest.

‘NO!’

Still unable to control himself, he pulls out Gon’s heart from his now bloody body and crushes it.

‘WHAT HAVE I DONE?!’

“Good work Kil,”

Killua looks behind himself to see Illumi standing there.

“This was your final test. But it was a messy kill. That’s a bit disappointing,” he says, referring to how he left a messy corpse when he’s killed before without spilling much blood at all.

“You’ve gotten soft. You need practice.” .

‘No...’ Killua tries to force his arm to move and to his surprise, he’s able to move it ever so slightly. As if acting on instinct, Killua brings his claws to his own chest as the control over his own actions become easier.

‘I’m sorry Gon.’

And with that, Killua stabs himself with his claws and pierces his heart.

‘I will join you soon.’

…

Killua wakes up screaming so loudly he wakes up everyone in the entire house. Gon jumps up instantly in surprise and Killua looks at him with fear in his eyes.

“Killua?! What’s wrong?”

Killua is just frozen, continuing to stare at Gon with fear in his eyes. Gon notices that Killua turned both of his hands into claws. Suddenly Mito bursts in the room as well.

“Gon what happened?” she asks in surprise.

“I don’t know! Suddenly Killua started screaming!” he exclaims. Then he climbs out of bed in a hurry and rushes over to his friend.

“Killua what’s wrong?”

It takes a moment for Killua to regain his composure  and when he does he retracts his claws  but that look of intense fear doesn’t lift.

“G-Gon?”

“Yes, Killua, I’m here!” Gon calls out to him.

“Oh dear, did you have a nightmare?” Mito asks.

Killua looks at her and with the same look of fear in his eyes; it really concerns her. But Killua doesn’t actually see her and after a moment he just looks back at Gon and unable to believe his eyes, he starts crying intensely.

“I...killed you.”

“Killua...” Gon asks.

“What do you mean?” Mito asks.

“I...killed you,” he repeats. “That felt so real...are you really here or is this the afterlife?”

Mito just looks at the white haired boy in confusion and notices when Gon brings him into a hug.

“It was a dream. This is real, I promise.”

“It was a dream? But...it felt so real. I couldn’t control myself. And I killed you. Illumi was standing behind me, congratulating me.”

“Wait, what are you talking about?” Mito asks.

Killua looks up at her again with tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m just...a murderer.”

Mito gasps in surprise.

“Killua, no you aren’t,” Gon tries to reassure him. “You left that life behind, remember?”

“But that doesn’t change things. Sometimes I can still hear him. I can still hear him telling me that I’m an assassin and nothing else.”

Gon shakes his head. “I know that’s not true. You know its not true either. You’re my friend!”

Meanwhile Mito is just confused by this. ‘ Just w ho is this boy Gon made friends with?’ she wonders. ‘he’ s  so nice but what is he talking about?  Murder?  Was he telling the truth when he said all he knew what to do is kill? ’

Killua looks looks at Mito again and Gon does the same. “Sorry Aunt Mito,” he apologizes, “Killua had a nightmare.”

“But what is this about killing you?” she asks. Its obvious she’s freaked out, even though she’s trying not to show it. Its not every day that your nephew/adopted son’s friend has nightmares about killing him.

“Please Aunt Mito,” Gon tells her. She sees how serious he is so she decides to ask later. She exits the room and closes the door but stays on the other side and listens in since she’s so concerned.

“Sorry...” Killua apologizes.

“Don’t be...”

“But I-this keeps happening!” Killua yells which makes Mito gasp from the other side of the door. ‘This happened before?’ she wonders.

“Please don’t worry. I know you won’t hurt me. You know it too. You’re not an assassin anymore.”

“But then why do these nightmares happen? This one is much worse than the last one.”

With a look of concern, Gon says, “Do you want to tell me about it? It might help.”

Still crying, Killua stammers, “I-If you think its ok.”

“Of course it is.”

“Ok,” Killua starts, “Well I was thinking about Kon’s cub and how I thought there was no way we could save it. You and your aunt were convinced we could save it. Then I thought about what your aunt said.”

“You mean when she asked you if anyone taught you the value of life?”

Killua nods. “ I looked over to you sleeping in the bed beside me. You looked so vulnerable... then I heard Illumi. He told me to kill you and then everyone else on the island. I didn’t want to, you have to believe me!”

“I do,” Gon says before letting Killua continue.

“Then I…suddenly it was like I couldn’t control my actions. I tried; I really tried but I couldn’t control myself.” Killua’s sobs get even more intense as he says the next part, “I-I stabbed you. I ripped out your heart and crushed it.”

“Killua...”

“Illumi then suddenly appeared and congratulated me. I don’t know why but I could move again but...I couldn’t live with myself after what I did. The sight of your lifeless body….the smell of your blood….I couldn’t stand it anymore so I killed myself. I can’t live without you Gon. You’re my best friend; I love you!”

Gon hugs the other boy tighter. “Thanks for telling me  about it .  I love you too Killua ,” he says.

“I’m sorry Gon...”

“Don’t apologize. It was just a dream.”

“It reminds me of during the final phase of the hunter exam when Illumi told me I wasn’t qualified to have friends and eventually I’d let you die or worse...that I’d want to kill you. I’m so scared that he’s right. I’m scared that I’ll kill you one day.” Gon pulls away from the hug and puts a hand on Killua’s left shoulder. Then he lifts Killua’s head and looks into his eyes and repeats, “Killua, you’re not a murderer.”

Killua lies back down on the bed. “I wish that were true  but  you know  its not. Even though I said I didn’t want to kill people anymore, I still killed that guy during the final phase .”

“Your brother was controlling you.”

“But that’s just it; I don’t think he was.”

“I don’t think that’s true. Didn’t you say you weren’t aware of your surroundings?”

Killua pauses for a moment before speaking. “Kinda...I was so upset I couldn’t see or think straight.”

“See? He was controlling you. It really pisses me off but he’s not here right now. He won’t control you here. You don’t have to worry.”

Killua pauses for another moment.“But what if-?”

“Killua look at me.”

Not getting up, Killua says, “Sorry...but I can’t. I don’t deserve you. I don’t want to hurt you. ”

“Killua, you know that’s not true. You do deserve friends and we are friends, right? You’re not gonna hurt me or anyone here.”

Killua doesn’t say anything and for a moment, the only sound in the room is his crying. “Sorry Gon but can you leave me alone for a while?”

Gon stands up. “Sure,” he leans down and kisses Killua on the cheek and  he walks over to the door. He opens the door and walks into the hallway. He closes the door to see Mito standing there.

“Dammit!” Killua punches his pillow in frustration as soon as Gon leaves, which Gon hears.

“Gon, I think we should talk in the kitchen,” Mio says.

“Yea,” Gon nods. He follows her to the kitchen and they sit down at the table. Gon looks over at her in shame.

“Aunt Mito,” Gon starts, “Sorry about that.”

“What was that about?” Mito asks. “Having nightmares about things like that, its not normal.”

“I know,” Gon just says.

“And what’s this about him killing people?”

Gon shifts uncomfortably in his chair. “Well...” he struggles, not knowing where to start.

“Gon,” she scolds.

“Killua’s not like that! He’s not a murderer!”

“I heard him say he killed someone during the hunter exam.”

“Oh you heard that,” Gon quietly says.

“Yes I did. Who exactly is he?”

“He’s my friend!” Gon exclaims.

“That’s not what I mean,” Mito says.

“Um...” Gon doesn’t say anything. He knows how much Killua hates talking about his family and while his past didn’t matter to Gon, he has a feeling his aunt might be freaked out. After all, Killua told him that’s how people normally react to learning about his family.

Seeing how  uncomfortable Gon is with answering, Mito smiles. “Ok you don’t have to tell me. But I can tell when someone is hurt and your friend is really hurt isn’t he? .”

“Kinda...but Killua’s a good person I swear!”

“Don’t worry; I know. Besides, knowing you, you wouldn’t make friends with anyone unless that person is a good person himself. You’re a good friend Gon, comforting him like that.”

“Thanks.”

“I don’t know what trauma that boy went through but just make sure that you’re there for him when he needs you,” she instructs. 

Gon nods. “Promise.”

“Good. Now, go back to your room and comfort him. I think he really needs you right now.”

“Yea. Thanks Aunt Mito.”

…

At the same time that Gon and Mito are talking, Killua slowly exits the room and he sees Gon’s great grandmother standing there.

“Sorry for waking you,” he apologizes.

“Oh don’t worry about it,” she replies. “If you’re looking for Gon, he’s in the kitchen.”

“Thanks,” Killua says as he walks down the hallway.

…

After talking to his aunt, Gon gets up and heads up the stairs and he runs into Killua.

“Oh hey Gon,” Killua greets, talking very low.

“Killua are you ok now?”

He nods slowly. “Yea. Sorry about that.”

Gon shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. As long as you’re okay.”

Gon grabs Killua’s hands and holds them in his own hands as Killua looks into his eyes, his own eyes still red and puffy from his earlier sobbing.

“Come on; lets go to bed. If you want, we can both sleep in my bed.”

Killua nods, blushing a little. “I-I’d like that.”

Gon nods and reaches in and gives Killua a quick kiss on the cheek. They walk down the hall and into Gon’s room hand in hand and Gon closes the door. Then after he closes the door, his great grandmother joins Mito downstairs.

“Well that was quite something. That Killua certainly has quite a pair of lungs on him.” 

“Grandma!” Mito admonishes. But then she says, “I’m glad those two are such good friends but still, I can’t help but worry about them.”

“Oh I’m sure they will be fine.”

“I hope you’re right,” Mito replies.

As it turns out, Gon’s great grandmother was right. After a good night’s sleep, Gon and Killua start the morning by practicing their Ten as usual. No one mentions last night and Killua’ s mood returns to normal , like  his nightmare never happened.

**Author's Note:**

> And there it is, hope you like it. I always found it disappointing that Hunter x Hunter never actually explored the trauma Killua most likely has from his unique upbringing, except for a few parts. Its obvious he has trauma though based on what happened during the final phase of the hunter exam. He's terrified of Illumi. When I wrote this, I kinda wanted to explore some of Killua's fears regarding his friendship with Gon and his past. I can imagine Killua having nightmares which would probably be partially brought about because of Illumi's needle in his head.


End file.
